Some day or Day 1?

A month and a half ago I broke up with the person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with; how Taylor Swift of me to start a blog on the ashes of a failed romance (Taylor I love you, I hope your love life gets better but damn you write some good breakup songs!) So at 36 I was forced to take a deep look at the state of my inner and outer life and the picture that opened in front of my eyes (and my heart) wasn't pretty at all. I have lived my entire life completely avoiding to look at facts, I resorted to escape in my mind anytime I had the slight feeling that something could have been less than perfect 'cause in my imagination I could fix anything. Or ruin it...

See the problem with this kind of imagination is that it runs wild, completely impossible to tame, so when things are going well it'll create scenarios where the person you're in love with will give you their heart and soul professing their love on a dreamy beach at sunset while you cry (elegantly of course, no snot involved) and you smile shaking your head in disbelief while your perfectly coiffed hair sways in the wind.

You could f***k with that kind of delusion, right?! Well newsflash it also turns on when the slightest "problem" arises: the texting isn't as regular as usual? He didn't grab your hand while crossing the street? He looked left instead of right? Well, there's only one possible answer:

- this person hates me,

- I'm about to be ghosted,

- they are back with their ex or found someone new,

- I'll never see them again but if I do I'm gonna say this and this and this.

I realise it's more that one answer, but you get the gist. And this shit show will go on for hours, it's exhausting, but more than that, it is time consuming and a childish way to use energy and attention on "easy" shit.

Nothing of what I said sounded easy? Bare with me for a second: would you rather spend one hour walking and worrying about unreal scenarios that will eventually disappear once you reach your destination and are called to be a functioning member of society or...would you rather face the real issues that are making your life not great?

Yeah... their new imaginary beau is the easy way out.

Bottomline I'm ashamed. I'am ashamed of the amount of time and energy I wasted not wanting to face life, I am ashamed of not knowing who I am and what I want, frankly I am ashamed of being ashamed. But I'm also very determined to change the narrative and to put into work all those great lessons I learned from the countless teachers I've encountered in life. And I'd like to do it with you, whoever you are.

So this is not just some day, this is day 1.

Just a thought: You're gonna have to do what's best for you even when it feels like shit.

Hey,

It's me, Alizé. If what I wrote resonated with you, let me know. If you have advice, let me know.

If you don't like what I wrote let me know and I'll tell my mom so she can yell at you in Italian.

Ciao